Winter Obstacle Course

Baddha Konasana

“Remember, Yoga practice is like an obstacle race; many obstructions are purposely put on the way for us to pass through. They are there to make us understand and express our own capacities. We all have that strength, but we don't seem to know it. We seem to need to be challenged and tested in order to understand our own capacities. In fact, that is the natural law. If a river just flows easily, the water in the river does not express its power. But once you put an obstacle to the flow by constructing a dam, then you can see its strength in the form of tremendous electrical power.”

- Swami Satchidananda (1:17)

I have a bit of a confession: I'm in a bad mood. February has been a rough month for me, as it often is. There's something about the combination of cold weather, lack of light and seasonal melancholy that really nails me this time of year. It seems oddly unjust that I'm struck with exhaustion and lethargy just as the days are starting to get longer, but each year the pattern repeats itself (one of my students suggested that it's the sheer accumulation of winter angst that makes February so difficult.) I've been simply enduring life recently, dragging myself through what seems like a series of gray, soggy, cold weeks.

It's official: I have the 'winter blues'.

When my sleep schedule starts to get wonky, I know what's coming. I've been staying up 'late' recently - late for me being past 10 p.m. or *gasp* 11:00. Of course, all of this not-sleeping leads to napping during the day, which leads to more not-sleeping at night...and you can see where this is going. This morning, I was so groggy and tired that my body just wanted to grind to a halt.

When I have 'the blues,' my usual high energy levels take a plunge and I lose motivation for the big stuff, then the little stuff and finally, the routine stuff. It becomes increasingly difficult to hold myself together. The thought of completing the smallest task fills me with dread. The other day, I had to give myself a big pep talk in order to walk into the kitchen to do the dishes. I sometimes 'don't 'feel like doing anything' and lay morosely on the futon feeling victimized by my to-do list. Laying in bed at night, I'm sometimes struck with a sense of melancholic despair because tomorrow, I'll have to wake up and DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

*sigh*

Of course, my yoga practice has suffered. I'm still making it to the mat six days a week, still doing my full yoga practice. But it feels like I'm just going through the motions these days. I'm not making any real progress - in fact, I'm backsliding. I've stopped binding in poses I know I can bind because it's just so much WORK and I don't have the energy for drama or challenge in my life. Reading back in my journal, it's difficult to believe that mere months ago, I was jumping out of bed eager to do my yoga practice and embrace the day.

But it's also a good reminder: this too shall pass. And we *are* on the brink of Spring.

As I was reading the Yoga Sutras this morning, this quote from the commentaries resonated with me. Obstacles in life - and yoga practice - challenge us and draw forth our true strength and abilities. With this in mind, I tried to reframe the entire month of February as simply a challenge to be overcome (instead of a long trial of slush and darkness). Seen in that light, it's easier to motivate myself to the mat, then outdoors into the sometimes-sunshine, and even out to my classes and through my daily rounds of meals, phone calls, class notes, errands.

I'm counting the days until March.

And somebody is sending me cookies.